Introduction to my mind….


Hello,

This is my first attempt at blogging so kindly ignore the mistakes if any… rookie here πŸ™‚

Well, introductions first.. I am a 31yr old mom. I have a 4 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old , both boys and my world.Β 

I come from India but have been in USA for almost 6 1/2 years now.life has been good here but it surely does have its ups and downs. i love America, but coming here has surely made me loose a lot as well … things don’t matter … they come and go before you can even decide on what you like and what you want. what matters is what you cannot control..people and ties.

my father was the eldest son on his side of the family, with a total of 6 siblings including him. he came from a very humble background and i know that he worked very hard to be an pilot and a flying instructor in the Indian army. my fondest memories of him have always been of papa home, in his white Β night suit ( white kurta and pajamas). as a kid i was super close to him and my passion and respect for books is what i probably inherited from him.Β 

My younger sister (2yrs younger) has always been a bit more inclined towards mommy.Β we grew up very close knit, always together as a family. my sister was my biggest friend and my biggest enemy at the same time (i am sure, those who grew with siblings quite well understand ). being an elder i was always a protective personality. my sister has never called me by my name and to this date refers to me as “didi” (meaning big sister).

My mother comes from a house of 5 siblings, her bring the third daughter and then 2 brothers. she was knows to be her father’s favorite. my grandfather was a real great man. he loved all us grand kids and all my memories are of him smiling, laughing and being happy around us grand kids.Β 

My husband is a great guy, loves me and pampers me.. we do have arguments about everything pretty much .. but we both know that we cant move a step without the other’s opinion Β  :0Β 

Since i have been here , i have seen a lot of life that i had not seen for the first 24 1/2 yrs of my life. From being a close knit family , i have come to not meeting my parents since after i came to USA…. to having visited India last year and hiding my visit from my family .. to having lost my father and not being able to talk to him peacefully since 2007 April… and not being able to tell my papa that i love him and that i miss him him.. and that i am sorry for taking what you did for us, as a family for granted .. sorry for not taking the time ti teach you how to navigate through windows XP and for getting angry and being disrespectful when you would take off my glasses when i dozed off watching TV late nights …Β 

this country has accepted me with open arms, has given me a job , safety and equality.. it has treated me with such love and there is not one thing i can complain about ESP comparing to India.. but this transition and the journey … has it been worth it after all… ?

I miss my parents.. the fact that my mother is all alone and all i can do is talk to her is a constant burden on my heart.. it breaks me down that my father only wished good for me and my sister and my mom and how as a teenager i always questioned his intentions.. how i slammed his suggestions back at him without having the slightest thought that, this man was the one who took me secretly buying books, who was ready to face the world if i had, for any reason, decided to back-off from my wedding, who was the man who answered back his own sister that “my daughters are my pride and they do and will bring pride to my name more than any son ever will” Β (in indian boys are considered a pride for the family and girls are considered a burden) …. that man died wondering if his daughter was alright .. dies without meeting his grandkids.. died looking at just pictures of his first grandson Β … All this because I travelled to another continent.. So I guess its a price one pays for all that you get ..

i wonder if god will ever forgive me and make a way to fix things … Β 

…….i wonder …..
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By talker blogger Posted in Chaos

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